网爆门

I鈥檒l never forget seeing the subject line pop up in my inbox: 鈥極pen apology to my children鈥�. Oh 鈥� it was from my mum. I don鈥檛 think I could have prepared myself for what her email contained: a three-paragraph reflection on some of the events of our childhood, her role in them and, as the title promised, an apology. 鈥業鈥檓 taking this opportunity now, with tears in my eyes, to say I鈥檓 sorry.鈥� My dad was cc鈥檇.

It was the kind of parental accountability that many of us go our entire lives dreaming of. Its candour was so surprising 鈥� so different to any interaction that I鈥檇 had with my mum before 鈥� that I wasn鈥檛 sure how to respond. Was this a trap?聽

聽But my mum鈥檚 email account hadn鈥檛 been hacked, and there was no trap. Rather, she was going through a transformative moment in her life 鈥� she was training to be a psychoanalytic psychotherapist. As part of her training she was undergoing her own analysis five times a week, having lived her previous 55 years without setting foot in a therapy room. It鈥檚 a process that profoundly changed her, and by association, me.

When I tell people that my mother is a therapist I鈥檓 often met with a flurry of questions. 鈥榃hat鈥檚 that like?鈥� always carries a tone that acknowledges that it is probably a very mixed bag. There are times that is has been complicated, both practically and emotionally. For part of my mum鈥檚 training I lived at home, which is also where she practised. I鈥檇 have to creep in silently and make sure I didn鈥檛 leave any traces of life in the hallway 鈥� bags, coats or shoes.聽

In daily life, she talked endlessly about what, at the time, seemed like convoluted and far-fetched psychoanalytic theory. Certain overused phrases became running jokes in our household as she tore through Winnicott, Jung and Klein. The depressive position. The good breast. Guilt and shame. At times, I also felt that I was under her analytic gaze 鈥� suddenly exposed against my will.聽

But I鈥檝e also loved seeing her transform. I think becoming a therapist and, crucially, undergoing therapy herself has given my mum access to a different way of being.聽

Last Christmas, while I was hunkered down in my family home for the week, I found myself聽crying about something happening in my personal life. This wasn鈥檛 the sort of thing I would usually share with my mum, but it was one of those moments where pain feels uncontainable. There was no way I was going to make it through the day without being honest about what was happening.

I was lying on the living room sofa, in a spiral about whether my feelings were legitimate 鈥� whether I鈥檇 responded to something the wrong way. 鈥楾here is no 鈥渨rong鈥� way,鈥� she came back. Ah. She was in therapist mode. 鈥業t鈥檚 just how you responded.鈥� She assured me that there were no right or wrong feelings either 鈥� just the feelings I had.聽

I don鈥檛 know how I had expected my mum to react to my pain. Perhaps, based on past experiences I couldn鈥檛 quite remember, I was worried that she would become distressed herself, make moral judgments about the situation, or give directive or imposing advice. Whatever my unconscious fears might have been, they were proven wrong, and I found myself completely taken aback by her demeanour. I was clearly speaking with a therapist.聽

This year I embarked on my own psychoanalysis for the first time, after 10 years in and out of different integrative therapies. My therapist is a Black woman 鈥� like my mum 鈥� and a little older than me too. The opportunities for transference are ripe and, since the therapy world can be small, I鈥檝e wondered whether they鈥檒l meet.聽

I鈥檓 grateful that it鈥檚 opened up new avenues through which we can experience our relationship 鈥� which continue to reveal themselves. This year my family spent Mother鈥檚 Day at the Freud Museum 鈥� an idea of my sister鈥檚, which many people outside the family found very funny. I expected there鈥檇 be ample opportunity to discuss our mutual interest in psychoanalysis, but of course, the first room we walked into was an exhibit reflecting on motherdaughter relationships. We ended up discussing both 鈥� both feel safe to explore.聽

My mum becoming a therapist has changed my life in ways that are still revealing themselves. When people ask what it鈥檚 like, they are right to assume that it鈥檚 complicated, but I wouldn鈥檛 have things any other way.聽