It took two years of working with my therapist, Callum,* for me to come to terms with my struggles and their origins. The breakthrough was accepting that my early experiences were influencing my current life and relationships, and that I was still impacted by past traumas and internal battles. That acceptance was the beginning of finally letting them go.
Until suffering a major depressive episode at age 35, I worked as a headteacher in a primary school in Lincolnshire. The job was very stressful, and looking back it was clear I was suffering from burnout, exacerbated by the accidental death of one of the pupils and the murder of a close friend. In deep distress and feeling suicidal, I eventually had to leave teaching after being admitted to a mental health unit on three occasions between 1995 and 1998.听
While it was what I needed at the time to ensure my safety, my times there were not easy. I witnessed how not to communicate with people who are mentally unwell. But I also experienced what does make a difference. I had been assigned a mental health nurse called Mike* a few months before my first admission. He was kind, understanding and consistent. He made me feel safe enough to be more flexible in my thinking, be real about my feelings and accept change rather than fighting it. I owe my life to him.听
When I left the hospital I started working as a volunteer for a homeless charity and retrained as a mental health nurse, later completing training in counselling and psychotherapy. I learned about the differences between mental distress and mental illness, how to empathically communicate with people and the importance of maintaining your mental health. I have put these things into practice in my everyday life. After three years of working as a registered mental health nurse in the community I got the opportunity to move to New Zealand.听
I soon discovered that no matter how far around the world you go, you can鈥檛 leave the past behind if you haven鈥檛 properly processed it. Before long I was dealing with difficulties at work and at the church I was attending, including bullying and passiveaggressive behaviour, which brought back traumatic responses from past early experiences. I sought help from a psychologist but it wasn鈥檛 until more than four years later when I attended a men鈥檚 retreat that I accepted the full extent of the abuse I had experienced as a child and how it was still affecting me. It left me under-confident, fearful of other men and paranoid at times.听
At the time of the retreat I had already started working with Callum, but I was focusing on my day-to-day challenges. After the retreat I realised I needed to go deeper and finally face my childhood.听
What had been activated during the retreat was centred around repeated patterns of being abandoned and alone, my need for a father鈥檚 care and appropriate responses to my emotional needs. The confusion that my abuse, sexually and emotionally, had inflicted on me had affected how I perceived my sexuality and who I was in the world. My projections onto others had become a way of life. I always knew there were more memories to be recovered, and when I re-experienced these they helped to explain my present-day perceptions about myself and others. Some of these experiences I began to realise were in fact abuse. Being humiliated, shamed and having my body invaded wasn鈥檛 normal. It was difficult facing these feelings I had suppressed. Callum always tried to go at my pace and taught me to deal with my presenting distress in a safe way. My work with him consolidated, clarified and built on all the therapeutic work I had experienced. He provided the safe, affirming environment that I was valued and my feelings were valid 鈥� something I never experienced consistently as a child.听
My journey to understanding and acceptance is ongoing, but I have come a long way and I am grateful for the support I鈥檝e received, not least from my wife, Mary, who has remained by my side.听
Trauma never leaves us completely; it becomes part of who we are and integrates into our life and experience, deepening our character and understanding of others. It has helped to shape who I am as a therapist. I have also used my experiences as the basis for my novel, which I wrote to highlight how trauma can impact masculinity, sexual identity and relationships. My hope is that through sharing my story other men will understand their own trauma cycles and how therapy can help.听
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